Author: hillarybyhillary

Chapter 28

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Gu Qingpei came back in time to ease He Gu’s awkwardness.

Seeing the two of them sitting together, Gu Qingpei teased, “Jieyu, I found that you are quite interested in He Gu.”

Zhuang Jieyu said unapologetically, “Yeah, don’t you think he’s quite interesting?”

Gu Qingpei smiled unfathomably. “He is a little interesting.”

He Gu’s face could no longer be hung1It just means he’s embarrassed., and he coughed lightly.

Gu Qingpei smiled and said, “Alright, I won’t tease you.”

Zhuang Jieyu poured wine for He Gu, and the three of them clinked glasses together.

Zhuang Jieyu was very naughty, and his address of “He Gu-ge” turned into “He-shushu.2叔叔 – Literally, one’s father’s younger brother (uncle), but it can also be used to address an older male.” Gu Qingpei was amused by him and kept laughing, while He Gu felt extremely helpless.

In the end, the two of them added each other on WeChat. Zhuang Jieyu wrapped his arms around He Gu’s neck and forced him to promise to never delete it or else he wouldn’t let go. He Gu finally had to agree.

Although he had quite a headache with Zhuang Jieyu, having someone so playful to lighten the atmosphere did improve his mood.

When He Gu got home that night, he found an envelope stuffed under the door. 

He opened it and saw an SVIP ticket and an exclusive parking ticket for Song Juhan’s concert, as well as a note from Xiao Song: Ge, waiting for you to come.

He Gu shook the ticket and slowly brought it to his eyes. He could still smell the ink fragrance.

Should he go or not?

Actually, it only took two hours to come back from Tang City by train. The concert would start at eight in the evening, so it wouldn’t be too late.

Over the years, he had never missed any of Song Juhan’s concerts, except for those few that were held abroad. 

As long as it was in the country, he wouldn’t miss a single one. It seemed to have become a ritual. If he wanted to break a certain conviction, perhaps he should start with this symbolic ritual.


After the ribbon-cutting ceremony, the government side wanted to keep them for dinner. Those who wanted to go back early could go back with the company’s car.

He Gu should have stayed, but he got on the bus and went back under the pretext that he was not feeling well. He didn’t like those social occasions, and when he’d come across those who wanted to drink, he would hide as much as he could.

By the time he got home, it was already dark. He Gu looked at his watch. It was past seven in the evening.

He touched his stomach and was a little hungry. He casually heated some leftovers, and as he ate, he kept looking at his watch.

The concert… is about to start, right?

Even if he went now, it would be too late. Today was New Year’s day, so traffic was bound to be heavy. Maybe by the time he arrived, the concert would be almost over. He might as well watch it live at home.

He Gu turned on the TV, and as expected, the entertainment channel was broadcasting Song Juhan’s New Year’s concert. Look, that radiant man on the stage who could captivate all beings had tens and thousands of fans crazy for him alone.

The music on the TV had lost much of its luster, but it was still intoxicating. He Gu felt his heart pounding, as if it was surging with the rhythm of the music. He clenched his fist and struggled for a moment, then fiercely punched the sofa, stood up, grabbed his jacket and ticket, and rushed out.

He wanted to see. He wanted to see Song Juhan standing like an emperor on that stage in the clouds and singing to his heart’s content. He wanted to see Song Juhan being insufferably arrogant, yet totally devoted to music with a love and single-mindedness that couldn’t be found in anything or anyone. Maybe the reason why He Gu loved watching his concerts live was because he wanted to see that look of Song Juhan when he sincerely loved something.

That kind of look was very fascinating, but unfortunately, it had never belonged to him.

He Gu got into the car and drove as fast as he could to the stadium.

The road was really very congested. He couldn’t stop looking at the time, his heart as anxious as fire.

If he could listen to at least one whole song, it would be okay.

By the time he got to the stadium, it was past nine o’clock. He Gu showed his ticket. Since the stadium was already full of people, a staff member personally led him to go around the backstage. However, when they got to the front row, they found his seat occupied. The staff member had to go over and drive that person away. He Gu said, “Forget it. It’s almost over; I’ll just stand here and watch.”

He had recognized that that person was Xiao Song’s girlfriend. He Gu was now standing on the side of the main stage. In fact, he was very close to Song Juhan. He Gu could see him very clearly, but he himself was covered by equipment. Song Juhan wouldn’t be able to notice him easily, so it was better this way.

“Sir, this is not good. Your ticket is the best seat.”

“It’s okay. You can go back to your work.”

He Gu’s location was a bit close to the sound system. The music was deafening, and the fans’ shouts rang through the sky, but in such a chaotic environment, Song Juhan’s song gushed into his heart like a river, making his whole body tremble as it flowed into his blood and his bones.

The man on stage seemed to be the center of the universe, the freezing point of time. He was in charge of the hearts of everyone present, and they rose and fell with his emotions. He Gu couldn’t take his eyes off him. All kinds of things from the past came flooding in, filling his brain in an instant, and finally converging into a strong desire. He really wanted to hold Song Juhan. He really wanted this man to look at him and sing only for him.

He wanted to own him and monopolize him so, so badly. It was a desire that couldn’t wait to break through the shackles of his physical body and reign free between heaven and earth! 

There was the sound of heavy drumming. He Gu came to himself with a start and took a sudden breath, his eyes widening in surprise.

What was he thinking? He had long stopped having such thoughts!

When the song finished, Song Juhan coughed lightly and said with a smile in that gentle and languid voice, “Did you all enjoy listening to it?”

How the fans wished they could turn their whole body’s strength into shouts, desperately3争先恐后 – striving to be first and fearing to be last. A closer translation would be to “scramble,” but in this sentence, the idiom is being used as an adverb, and I’m pretty sure scramblingly is not a word. hoping their voices could reach the ears of the god.

Song Juhan laughed twice. “It’s good you’re all happy. I sing just so someone will feel happy listening to it.”

He Gu couldn’t help but put his hand over his heart. This heart wouldn’t listen to him, and it was about to jump out of its throat.

Song Juhan sang the last song for the night. But with the feverish chants for an “encore,” he willingly sang another two songs before finally ending the concert on a high note and in the midst of high-pitched screams. 

He Gu was on his way out, following the flow of the leaving concert-goers, when he suddenly had the intense urge to go see Song Juhan. 

After squeezing through the crowded people for a good while, he finally managed to return to where he was standing during the concert. He wanted to go through the backstage to find Song Juhan but was stopped by staff members. Just as he was about to call Xiao Song, he ran into Song Juhan’s keyboard player, Ah Sheng.

“Oh, if it isn’t He Gu. When did you get here? I didn’t even see you.”

“Yeah, I arrived late,” said He Gu, before he quickly added, “Ah Sheng, can you get me in?”

“No problem.” Ah Sheng spoke a few words to the staff member, and He Gu was easily let into the backstage.

“Ah Sheng, is Juhan in the waiting room?”

“Should be, I haven’t seen him since we came offstage. He must’ve desperately needed the toilet, haha.” Ah Sheng pointed down a corridor as he gave directions to He Gu. “The waiting room is just down there, right at the end and around the corner on the right. I’m leaving first, gotta get home to see the kids.”

“Sure, thanks for that. See you.” He Gu followed the corridor with quickened steps, his heart feeling incessantly nervous.

What would he say when he saw Song Juhan? Or maybe he should just leave, and pretend he wasn’t here at all… He Gu was still deliberating what to do, but his legs seemed to have a mind of their own, making their way towards the waiting room. As he turned the corner, a row of waiting rooms appeared before him, each with the name of Song Juhan’s bandmates stuck on the door. The last door at the end had the name—Song Juhan. 

He Gu took a deep breath, then walked over to knock on the door. Just as he lifted his hand up, he froze.

Behind the door, the sound of heavy panting and things crashing about could be heard. Amongst that was the erotic cries of someone calling out “Han-ge, Han-ge…” accompanied by erratic, low, and sensual moans. 

He Gu’s entire being tensed up. He looked around anxiously, not sure what to do. Luckily, there wasn’t anyone around to witness his humiliating and pitiful state.

He revealed a tragic smile that looked worse than openly crying. At that moment, he felt as if his heart had been cut open and ripped out. 

He Gu, you are too pitiful. It’s been over six years, over two thousand days and nights. Is this still not enough for you to understand? How can you still dare to have expectations for him?

He forced himself to back up a step, then turned and quickly fled down the corridor, back to where he came from.

Just as he turned the corner, someone came out of nowhere. He Gu couldn’t dodge him in time and ran straight into the other man. 

“Aiya… He Gu-ge?” The moment Xiao Song saw He Gu, he visibly flinched in surprise. “You, what are you doing here? I thought you couldn’t come.”

He Gu paled, then calmly answered, “I came late.”

Xiao Song nervously glanced down the corridor at where the waiting rooms were and swallowed hard. “So you… have you gone to see Han-ge already?”

He Gu didn’t answer but instead said, “I’m heading back first.” Then brushed past Xiao Song and walked off.

“Hey, ge,” Xiao Song called out, then anxiously added, “Han-ge didn’t know you came. But he was really looking forward to you coming to this concert.”

As if he hadn’t heard the other man, He Gu quickly fled the scene.

By the time He Gu got to his car, his cheeks were still burning hot. Apart from the word “idiot,” He Gu couldn’t find a better adjective to describe himself at this moment. 

He leaned back in his seat and took a few deep breaths. Only then did the throbbing pain in his chest subside a little.

Wasn’t he already used to all this? Whoever Song Juhan chose to sleep with, it wasn’t up to him to decide. It was just that Song Juhan’s behavior lately had been so misleading that it momentarily confused He Gu. It messed up his usually logical brain and made him think too much. That was probably why He Gu felt upset over nothing. 

Served him right.

He Gu started the car and rolled down the windows fully, allowing the chilly winter breeze to pierce his skin and cool down his mind. 

By the time he parked up, Song Juhan’s phone call came. As He Gu stared at the name displayed on the phone, he slowly turned the phone over, removed the casing, and took out the battery.

After getting home, He Gu sat silently in the dark living room for a very long time.

The Tang city project was one of the biggest projects since before the end of the year. Now that it was finished, it was like a big weight had been lifted off He Gu’s shoulders. His boss had even given him three days off. With these extra vacation days, He Gu was at a loss as to what to do. Now that he thought about it, his life was really quite boring, it was as if without Song Juhan, there wasn’t anything else worthy of his attention or interest. 

This wouldn’t do.

After thinking for a long time, He Gu decided to go to Shen city to see his mother. Picking up the landline, he called his mother. 

His mother answered the phone, surprised, “He Gu? What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine. Why would you ask that?”

His mother sounded a little embarrassed as she said, “Oh, it’s just that you never call me normally.”

“I’m perfectly fine. It’s just that I’ll be heading to Shen city for work in the next couple of days. So I thought of coming to see you.”

The phone was silent for a while, before his mother said excitedly, “Really, do you really mean it? You want to come see me?”

He Gu listened to his mother’s perturbed yet obviously happy voice, and his heart clenched as it left a bitter taste in his mouth. “Yes,” he answered. “We haven’t seen each other in quite a long time.”

“Indeed… What time is your flight? I’ll come pick you up.”

“It’s fine, the company has already arranged a driver for me. I’ll be there the day after tomorrow. Let’s meet up for dinner then.”

“Of course, of course. Contact me when you get here.”

After he hung up, He Gu took a shower, then got straight in bed. 

He Gu had been running around all day, so he was extremely exhausted. Most of all, he regretted going to that concert, but there was nothing he could do since he had brought it on himself. 

As he thought to himself, he unconsciously drifted off to sleep. It didn’t seem like he had fallen asleep for long when he was abruptly startled awake by the sound of the door opening and closing. Had Song Juhan come?

In the next second, the bedroom light was switched on. He Gu adjusted his vision before a tall and sturdy figure came into focus. 

Song Juhan stood by the door, staring at He Gu with a stiff expression.

As He Gu’s eyes finally focused again, he lowered his hand, then buried his head under the covers. 

Song Juhan strode over and pulled He Gu out of the quilt. “Why didn’t you tell me when you came?”

He Gu rubbed his eyes and said in a small voice, “I’m sleepy.”

“When on earth did you come? How come I didn’t see you!” Song Juhan was simply furious.

He Gu only felt it was a little funny. What was Song Juhan mad about? He narrowed his eyes and said, “I was late. The concert was good.”

Song Juhan’s face changed slightly. He gritted his teeth and said, “Couldn’t you have come earlier? I especially reserved a seat for you…”

“It’s fine, I heard it very clearly.” After deliberately emphasizing the word “heard,” He Gu felt he was being a bit childish.

“… Which idiot let you in backstage? Non-staff members are not allowed backstage, who the hell let you in?” Song Juhan was so angry that he was venting out his temper indiscriminately.

“Nobody stopped me.” He Gu yawned. He really didn’t have the strength to face Song Juhan again, much less talk to him. “I’m really sleepy. Let me sleep.” Then he closed his eyes, as if keeping Song Juhan out of sight could also keep him out of his world.

Song Juhan stared at He Gu’s knit eyebrows. His face turned green, then white4脸色青一阵白一阵 – Describes the changes of expressions on the face because of emotional ups and downs, such as anger and fear. After sitting rigidly on the bed for a long time, he suddenly lowered his head and kissed He Gu’s hair.

He Gu didn’t respond. 

Song Juhan put his hand into the quilt, and the cold hand came into contact with He Gu’s skin, making He Gu shiver. Song Juhan became even more daring and fondled him with abandon.

He Gu squirmed under the covers and tried to avoid it, but Song Juhan turned his body over and pressed on him, leaving hot kisses on his cheek, neck, and chest, while one hand pulled on his loose nightwear.

He Gu was fully awake this time. He struggled to get up, and pushed Song Juhan away with all his strength.

Song Juhan was annoyed. “What are you doing!”

He Gu’s eyes were so red. He pushed Song Juhan hard, sat up on the bed, and yelled in a volume louder than him. “What are you doing!”

Song Juhan’s clothes were flimsy, his hair was messy, and his face was still full of makeup. Coupled with his shocked and somewhat aggrieved expression, he looked wretched, but at the same time, a little pitiful. However, when he came back to his senses, that bit of pitifulness instantly transformed into raging anger. “Have you had enough! What d*mned thing are you playing! After all this time, have you still not stopped? I’ve already f*cking apologized for last time, what more do you want?! Are you going through an early menopause? How dare you look at me like that!”

He Gu’s shirt was wide open, and his chest was heaving violently. The feeling of suffocation in the presence of Song Juhan forced him to expend several times more effort just to breathe easily. However, he had gotten used to it. Being around Song Juhan was never easy. It’s funny how so many people still want to get close to this arrogant star.

He Gu slumped his shoulders and said in a low voice, “I’m already very tired from today. Can you let me rest?”

The expression on Song Juhan’s face was somewhat twisted. He clenched his fist, looked at the exhaustion on He Gu’s face, and finally held back his anger. He got up and went to the bathroom.

He Gu fell back to the bed. For a moment, it felt as if he didn’t even have the strength to move a finger.

He listened to the sound of rushing water coming from the bathroom and fell into a daze.

After a while, the sound of the water stopped, and Song Juhan, covered in steam, got into the quilt again. He hugged He Gu tightly, pressed his forehead against his forehead, and whispered, “We haven’t done it in a long time.”

He Gu pretended to be asleep.

Song Juhan was silent for a while, then suddenly complained in a small voice, “Why are you treating me worse and worse?”


[liz_box title=”Translator’s Corner” box_color=”#fed7de” title_color=”#5e4c4f” class=”tlbox” id=”tlnotes”]Liz: He wanted to own him and monopolize him so, so badly. It was a desire that couldn’t wait to break through the shackles of his physical body and reign free between heaven and earth!
Liz, who’s read the novel a hundred times and knows what’s gonna happen at the end of the chapter: *cries blood and gets extreme chest tightness while translating
God, I really hate He Gu in this chapter, but also Song Juhan of course. But Song Juhan has long been a bastard, and I don’t expect much from him. But He Gu ah… you were doing so fine in the beginning, even going out with friends. Why did you have to go to the concert 😭😭😭
By the way, I was the one in charge of this chapter, but the scene when He Gu caught Juhan in the backstage was too painful for me, so I handed that part to Hillary 😂😂
Press F to buy your translators a coffee 🤣[/liz_box]

Episode 21: I’m Sorry…

Episode 20: Juhan, Wait!

Chapter 26

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He Gu splashed his face with water a few times. The heat on his skin finally cooled down, and his mind also cleared up a little. 

Fixing his tie, he looked up at the mirror and stared at himself with an expressionless face. Then he slowly revealed a light yet mocking smile. 

What are you so afraid of, He Gu? For the worst that could happen, you have long been prepared for that.

He Gu turned and walked out of the restroom.

Outside, everyone was still drinking and chatting away. Feng Zheng had also returned to his own seat across the table and currently had his head down looking at his phone. Seeing that He Gu had finally come out of the restroom, he lifted his head and looked right at him. His pitch-black eyes were dark yet bright, as if hiding a depth of enigmatic emotions behind them.

Song Juhan also looked up, glaring at He Gu with a vicious look similar to that of a hunter watching its prey in a cage. 

He Gu swept a quick glance at him before sitting down at his seat.

Song Juhan leaned over slightly, and with a light smirk on his face, he whispered threateningly in He Gu’s ear, “You f*cking dared lie to me.”

He Gu didn’t make a single sound. Instead, he filled his own glass up to the rim, stood up, and said with a neutral expression1不卑不亢 – idiom meaning neither humble nor pushy, servile nor overbearing., “Chief Song, seniors2长辈 – zhǎngbèi, literally ‘older generation’, it is a polite way to refer to your elders or seniors., I’m not feeling quite well today, and if I stay here, I’ll only be bringing down the mood for everyone. I would like to leave first and head home to rest. So, to apologize to everyone here, I will finish this glass. I’m sorry.” He Gu didn’t wait for a response, and in one swift movement, downed the entire glass of red wine. 

Feng Zheng said in a warm and gentle tone, “If you’re not feeling well, then don’t drink too much.”

One of the other executives added, “Yes. If you’re not feeling well, you should head home to rest.”

Song He looked carefully as He Gu finished his drink, then flatly said, “Then you should head back. Health comes first.”

He Gu nodded, and without looking at either Feng Zheng or Song Juhan, he turned and left.

Suddenly, the sound of glass shattering came from behind He Gu, followed by several exclamations.

He Gu paused, then turned around to see that Song Juhan had crushed his wine glass, the broken shards grasped tightly in his clenched fist as red wine spilled everywhere.

Song He frowned. “How did that happen?”

Song Juhan laughed lightly. “The glass was too thin.” Then he grabbed a napkin and started to wipe himself down.

“Did you hurt your hand? You have a concert coming up next month.”

“No.” Song Juhan shook out his hand a few times. It was unclear whether the red liquid dripping from his fingertips was wine or blood.

He Gu’s heart tightened. He pursed his lips but decided to leave nonetheless.

After getting home, He Gu took a shower and started to look over his work. Trying to work when his mind was feeling ill at ease proved to be highly inefficient. In the end, he turned off his computer irritably. 

Glancing at his watch, it was nearly 9pm. In accordance to Song Juhan’s character, he would be arriving any minute now.

He Gu sat down in front of the floor-to-ceiling window and looked at the stars and lights outside. A sudden feeling of unspeakable loneliness spread through his body.

He wasn’t sure if there was another person in this world that was as contradicting as him. He seemed to have everything yet nothing at all. Throughout everything, he had never felt any pity towards himself. Whether it was gains or losses, joys or sorrows, he knew he had chosen this path for himself.

He didn’t know why today was any different, but he had the sudden urge to speak to his mother. He wanted to know if she had really gone and lived the life she had desired. On one hand, he wanted to know if she was living well. And on the other hand, he wanted to know whether one could really get what they yearn for if they worked hard enough.

In all these years, he had refrained himself from bothering her. Subconsciously, he might actually be avoiding her or perhaps avoiding himself. To He Gu, the term “motherly love” was more of an abstract idea, something that he couldn’t grasp the true meaning of.

At that moment, the sound of footsteps could be heard from the hallway. The house was very quiet, so the hurried footsteps could be heard loud and clear, followed by the sound of a key being inserted into the keyhole and turning the lock.

He Gu stood up and felt the blood surge to his head, his body temperature pouring out of him like running water. His eyes stared blankly at the door.

The door was pushed open roughly as Song Juhan walked in with a suffocating aura of anger and a strong scent of alcohol. The need to vent his anger was as chilly as the biting winds of winter. His right hand clenched in a fist was wrapped with a few rounds of unsightly white gauze. 

He Gu swallowed visibly, his eyes flickered and his lips trembled.

Song Juhan clenched his fist. Looking at He Gu who was helpless and terrified but was still pretending to be calm, a slight softness came over him. The muscles on his face were a little twisted, and forcibly holding back the surging anger, he slowly took off his coat, wanting to take this time to calm down a bit. However, the alcohol was burning his blood and his mind, and something inside him was clamoring to be vented.

He Gu didn’t speak. He just stood there and watched.

In the end, Song Juhan finally threw the thick cashmere overcoat to the floor. The horn buckles hit the wooden floor and made a heavy sound. He clenched his teeth and said in a cold voice, “If you promise not to contact Feng Zheng from now on, I will let you off for today’s incident

He Gu took a deep breath. “Juhan, it’s my fault that I lied to you, but you were restricting my regular social interactions, and it was not appropriate.”

“Not appropriate?” Song Juhan’s expression was somewhat fierce as he gritted out those words. “Of all people, why Feng Zheng? You said you and Gu Qingpei were just colleagues, and I gave you the benefit of the doubt. But what was Feng Zheng’s relationship with you before? What’s his attitude towards you now? Are you f*cking blind? Can’t you see!” Towards the end, Song Juhan was already yelling.

He Gu felt his heart tremble, and he said quietly, “What attitude he has towards me has nothing to do with me. Juhan, I have said it so many times that I have nothing to do with him. Why are you being so aggressive?”

“Because it just can’t be him!” Song Juhan rushed up with large strides, grabbed He Gu by the collar, and ruthlessly slammed him against the floor-to-ceiling window.”

He Gu’s back ached. Song Juhan’s finger bones squeezed his chest hard, and He Gu’s face instantly changed color. “Juhan, calm down…” A heavy smell of alcohol assailed his nostrils.

With his beautiful but vicious eyes, Song Juhan looked straight into He Gu’s. “Last time, you were hit by a car, so I didn’t bother to argue with you anymore. I’ll repeat what I said at that time. Between I and Feng Zheng, you can only choose one!”

He Gu had a splitting headache, and something in his mind was screaming and banging wildly, making him feel as if his whole body was about to explode.

Why is Song Juhan being such an asshole? Why is he…

Six years ago, he failed Feng Zheng. Six years later, Feng Zheng just wanted to have a friend whom he could drink and chat with. Was he going to reject him again? Was he going to block all of his paths for Song Juhan?

Seeing He Gu keeping silent, Song Juhan was so angry that his brain swelled and his eyes turned red. “Why are you so unwilling to part with him?! Why!”

He Gu said in a trembling voice, “You are being unreasonable. Let me explain.”

“F*ck your mother!” Song Juhan fiercely turned He Gu’s body around and pressed his face and chest against the floor-to-ceiling window.

Before He Gu could have time to react, he felt a chill on the lower part of his body. The drunk and angry Song Juhan frightened him. “Juhan, you are drunk. Let go of me first!”

“What can Feng Zheng give you? What can he give you that I can’t?” Song Juhan moved roughly and relentlessly, viciously carrying out his “punishment.”

He Gu was in so much pain that he was sweating, but at such a humiliating and confusing moment, his brain sadly remembered that on the night he was reunited with Feng Zheng, Feng Zheng had said the exact same thing as Song Juhan.

What can he give you that I can’t?

These two were really alike in some ways…

He Gu was soon unable to think. Powerless against Song Juhan’s madness, broken words fell from his lips. “Song… Juhan, you f*cking *sshole.”

“Yes, I’m an asshole, but it’s not the first time I’m being such an asshole. You’ve stayed beside this asshole for so many years, so what are you? You are worse than a f*cking *sshole.”

He Gu felt a sharp pain in his chest, and something burning in his eyes dripped down his cheek.

Right, he wasn’t any better than an asshole. He was just sh*t, f*cking bullsh*t.

Song Juhan pinched He Gu’s chin with one hand and made him look at their reflections on the window. He Gu watched helplessly at what they were doing—no, it should be what Song Juhan was doing to him.

He Gu smelled the blood on Song Juhan’s hand, and his eyes turned red. He had an illusion that Song Juhan’s hands were stained with his blood, the blood from when his heart was dug out.

Song Juhan’s cruel voice echoed in his ears. “You dared lie to me for Feng Zheng’s sake. How much more have you lied to me in a place I don’t know?! You enjoyed a kiss with that b*tch Zhuang Jieyu, and you even went to a gay bar with someone! Haven’t you always revolved around me? After all these years, are you starting to get tired of my stuff? Are you also starting to want a taste of something new?”

He Gu bit his lip and didn’t say a word. His body hurt, but his heart hurt more.

For many years, his heart seemed to be beating only for Song Juhan. It was happy for Song Juhan, sad for Song Juhan, dug out and riddled with holes by Song Juhan, and with every breath, bled out for Song Juhan.

Why couldn’t his heart just die? Die. Die. Let it all end.

Let it all end.

“Can others satisfy you when you’re so slutty? You’re usually such a prude, do you have the face to let others see you like this?” Song Juhan kept spitting out malicious words. His eyes were getting redder and redder, and his sweat-stained curls were sticking to his cheek, adding a few points of ferocity to him.

He Gu felt his consciousness sink uncontrollably. As he gradually lost consciousness, he could no longer make out what Song Juhan was saying.

He Gu woke up feeling like his body was falling apart. There was no place that didn’t hurt, and it was even hard to move his fingers.

“He Gu-ge, you’re awake.”

A refreshing voice came over his ears. He Gu opened his eyes and saw Xiao Song’s face.

Xiao Song sighed. “Ge ah, your job is really shortening your life. You just had a concussion last month. How could you have a fever again? It reached 40 degrees this morning, really scaring us to death.”

He Gu opened his mouth, but his throat was sore and burning.

Xiao Song fed him some water with a soup spoon. “Is your throat sore? It’s okay, you don’t have to talk. Rest well. Han-ge has invited a family doctor to come over. I’ll also be here with you, and oh, I have called your assistant to ask for leave.”

Thinking of what happened last night, He Gu felt that the cold water flowing down his throat hurt as much as a knife streaking over it.

Song Juhan…

He couldn’t describe what he was feeling right now. He couldn’t even muster any strength to hate or be angry. He just felt deeply powerless, as if he had given everything he had and left his hometown for years to search for a treasure, only to find that the treasure didn’t exist.

There was no sorrow greater than a withered heart.

Over the years, he thought that, even if Song Juhan didn’t like him, he at least had some companionship. But Song Juhan was actually able to humiliate him this much.

What on earth has he lived for in the past six years? It was all a joke.

It was all a joke.


[liz_box title=”Translator’s Corner” box_color=”#fed7de” title_color=”#5e4c4f” class=”tlbox” id=”tlnotes”]Lizonka: Six years… man, that’s a long time. Time for He Gu to wake up.[/liz_box]

Episode 19: Song Juhan, Watch Out!

Chapter 25

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After He Gu sobered up, he went down to look for his car, eventually finding it parked on a side street in his neighborhood. Then he suddenly remembered, what about my car keys? He had already lost his spare key once, and had since forgotten to replace them. So he now only had the one set left. 

Without another choice, he gave Feng Zheng a call again. Feng Zheng seemed to have just woken up from a dream as he answered, “Aiya, Lao1lǎo, the use of ‘Lao’ here is not the driver’s surname, ‘Chen’ is his surname, whereas ‘Lao’ literally means old, it is a prefix used before the surname of a person to indicate affection, respect or familiarity. Chen must’ve been confused. He sent your car back but also took your keys as well.”

He Gu sighed. “Where is he now? I’ll get my assistant to go pick it up.”

“He’s normally here at my place, but his granddaughter was sick today, so he went to the hospital with her. I’ll call him to ask, then give you a call back in a sec.”

He Gu hung up and waited for a few minutes before Feng Zheng called back. “He Gu, Lao Chen took your keys with him and won’t be back until the day after tomorrow. I’m so sorry, you won’t have a car to use these next two days. I can send a driver over for you.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll get my assistant to come pick me up these two days.”

Feng Zheng repeatedly apologized as he said, “I’m so sorry. I ended up causing more trouble for you.”

“Don’t say that. It’s all thanks to you two that I got home safely.”

“It’s my pleasure. If I don’t see you safely home, I would worry as well.” Feng Zheng’s voice was very gentle. “Once Lao Chen gets back, I’ll send your keys over right away.”

“Sure, thanks.”

He Gu started to feel a little depressed. But since there was nothing else he could do, he gave Chen Shan a call and asked if she could come drive him to and from work for the next two days. At his level, he was not qualified to have a company car, but he did have a monthly reimbursement fee of a thousand yuan for his gas expenses. Although Nanchuang’s basic salary is low, the benefits and bonuses were quite good. This was also one of the biggest reasons why he hadn’t planned on jumping ship after all these years.

Chen Shan knew that He Gu was very sensitive to being late, so she had arrived especially early in the neighborhood. After waiting for a while, she began to feel a growing stomach ache, probably from eating something bad last night. Unable to hold it in any longer, she decided to run upstairs and ring his doorbell.

He Gu opened the door, looking very puzzled. “Why did you come up here?”

Chen Shan said embarrassingly, “Chief He, I have a really bad stomach ache. Could I please borrow your bathroom?”

He Gu was stunned. “Oh, go on then.”

Chen Shan’s face was blushing so hard as she ran into his house.

The moment the bathroom door closed, He Gu suddenly remembered all the items left lying around inside… extra toothbrush, towels, and all the other daily necessities were all in pairs. There were more than twenty bottles of colognes and numerous high-end skin care products in the cabinet. He was just changing his clothes when the doorbell rang, so his closet was also wide open. Passing by the bedroom, you could easily see the many clothes, shoes, and items filling an entire wall of his room, all clearly male and not his style at all.

Chen Shan was always a very observant and meticulous person. After seeing all that, there was no way she wouldn’t have already started guessing. It would be impossible to hide all that obvious evidence around her. 

After a while, Chen Shan came out, her expression a little weird as she seemingly tried to avoid eye contact with He Gu. 

He Gu was depressed as he thought to himself. After all these years of successfully hiding his sexual orientation, in the short span of two months, he had accidentally revealed himself twice, and both times were to his colleagues as well. Could this be his unlucky year?

He Gu calmly said, “Let’s go.”

Chen Shan followed behind him as they left. It wasn’t until they arrived at the elevator doors that He Gu saw, from the mirror’s reflection, that Chen Shan was stealing glances at him. With a face void of expression, and his eyes looking straight ahead, he said in a low voice, “Don’t tell anyone.”

Chen Shan shrank her shoulders in fright. “Yes, yes. Don’t worry, Chief He. I definitely won’t tell anyone!”

He Gu made a quick “en” sound, and didn’t mention it again.

By Saturday evening, He Gu decided to go pick up the keys himself after work. He gave Feng Zheng a call, but Feng Zheng said the keys were actually with him and that he wasn’t free that evening.

After what happened, He Gu didn’t want to see Feng Zheng again, so he said he would get his assistant to come pick it up. But Feng Zheng quickly said he was very busy and that he would call him back later, and then he hung up. 

As one call ended, another came. It was Song Juhan. He Gu was so happy to see his call, he answered right away. “Juhan, are you coming over today?”

“No. You come here for dinner.” Song Juhan’s tone was still relatively calm. 

“Sure, I’ll be right over.”

After receiving the address, He Gu changed into another outfit kept in his office, and quickly called a cab to head over.

Arriving at the restaurant, the waiter showed him to a private room. 

The moment the door opened, He Gu was left dumbfounded. From where he was standing, he could see Song Juhan, Song Juhan’s father, and Feng Zheng!

He Gu’s mind was left blank for a short while as he blinked his eyes a few times to confirm what he was seeing. His eyes weren’t playing tricks. In fact, apart from those three people, there were also many others dressed in business suits and leather shoes sitting around the table.

This was not what he had expected. He had thought Song Juhan had invited him to a private dinner, or even better, a dinner with just the two of them. But he definitely did not think it would be a dinner like this. Why would he be at a gathering like this, and more importantly, what was Feng Zheng doing here?

“He Gu, you came.” Song Juhan smiled happily at him, as if the doubts and repeated questions from that phone call had never happened. 

He Gu swallowed visibly and desperately calmed himself, then showed a small smile as he said, “I’m sorry for arriving late.”

“Don’t worry, the dishes haven’t even been served yet.”

He Gu nodded in greeting at the people sitting at the table. “Chief Song, Feng Zheng…”

Feng Zheng smiled at him, his expression unclear as to what he was thinking. Song He squinted his eyes and looked at He Gu. He had always known about the relationship between Song Juhan and He Gu, so he just nodded without showing any expression. “Come sit.”

He Gu sat down next to Song Juhan as the latter hooked his arm around his shoulder like close friends would, and proceeded to introduce him to the rest of the group. “This is Chief Wang, this is Chief Liu. This one I think you know already. It’s Huisi Investment’s Chief Feng.” Song Juhan stared straight at Feng Zheng with a mocking smile on his lips.

Feng Zheng chuckled. “Stop joking around, Juhan. With the relationship between me and He Gu, why would we need you to introduce us?”

Song Juhan narrowed his eyes. “Oh, really?”

Feng Zheng suddenly took out a set of keys from his pocket and placed them on the turntable in front of him. “He Gu, your keys.”

The expression on Song Juhan’s and He Gu’s face changed almost simultaneously. Song Juhan tightened his grip on He Gu’s shoulder, squeezing so hard that He Gu nearly cried out in pain in front of everyone. He endured the pain and slowly turned the turntable. The key was like a ticking time bomb, slowly approaching until it finally stopped in front of him. 

He was just about to reach for the keys when Song Juhan shot his hand out and grabbed them off the turntable. Twisting them around his fingers, he said casually, “This key looks so familiar. It can’t possibly be your car keys, right?”

The keys had a large Land Rover logo printed on them. Song Juhan was asking a question he already knew the answer for. His tone was as sharp as a knife, making He Gu’s heart sink. With a low “en” sound, He Gu took the keys.

In front of so many people, there was no way Song Juhan could make a scene. So he sat up straight and kept his head down to hide the coldness and cutting edge in his eyes.

Song He was observing them throughout the entire exchange. After a moment, he slowly said, “He Gu, didn’t you have dinner with Vanessa a few days ago?

He Gu answered straightforwardly, “Yes.”

“En. She rarely has a decent meal with others.” Song He then turned to his son. “Juhan, why don’t you introduce your friend?”

Song Juhan smiled. “Everyone, this is Nanchuang’s Senior Engineer, He Gu. He’s a very good friend of mine.”

He especially emphasized the two words “very good,” making He Gu a little uncomfortable.

“Tonight is mainly to treat Xiao Feng to a meal so we can talk about our upcoming movie collaboration.” Song He lifted his chin towards Feng Zheng. “I have known his father for decades and have basically watched Xiao Feng grow up. I can’t believe we’re here talking business now. Time flies by so fast.”

Feng Zheng also complimented Song He with a few phrases.

Before long, the waiters started to serve the dishes, and in a blink of an eye, the entire table was filled to the brim with various dishes fit for a luxurious banquet. Even with all these delicious dishes in front of him, He Gu didn’t have the slightest appetite. Instead, he sat quietly beside Song Juhan, seemingly able to directly feel the growing anger radiating off the man. He Gu sat uncomfortably as if on pins and needles.

With the food served, the meal officially began, and the people around the table started to raise their glasses and toast each other. Feng Zheng got up and casually walked over with a glass in hand. “Juhan, He Gu, let me raise my glass to you two.”

He Gu stood up, while Song Juhan stubbornly stayed in his seat, only lifting his head to glare at Feng Zheng. Feng Zheng chose to ignore the latter and instead bumped his glass with He Gu’s, then said, “I had planned to send the keys over personally, but this saved me the trouble.”

He Gu’s face paled as he said, “Thank you.”

“You should get a spare set of keys made when you have some time. It’s too inconvenient like this.”

“I did think of that. It’s just that I’ve been so busy lately and I forgot.”

Feng Zheng teasingly said, “It doesn’t seem like your personality to forget things.”

The familiar vibe between the two was like adding oil to the fire, flaming Song Juhan’s anger into a burning flame. He stood up and got straight to the point. “Feng Zheng, why did you have He Gu’s car keys?”

He Gu was about to explain himself when Song Juhan turned a deathly glare his way, shutting him up.

Feng Zheng smiled. “Oh, so basically, last weekend, we went out for drinks, and He Gu got really drunk. I got my driver to send He Gu home, and also to send his car back to his neighborhood. But then my driver got confused and forgot to leave the keys. I didn’t know He Gu would also be here tonight. I was actually going to return the keys personally to him tomorrow, but since he’s here now…” 

Song Juhan’s chest heaved, his fists clenched tightly behind his back as he slowly turned his neck revealing a pair of pitch black bottomless eyes. “So you two already met last weekend.”

He Gu felt a chill run down his spine. It was bad enough to have lied. What’s worse was that the lie had been exposed, and in person as well.

Feng Zheng seemed to think he hadn’t caused enough trouble, and continued to add firewood. “He Gu, you really were completely drunk last time. Look at you, you’re so skinny and all. How can you be so heavy after drinking, I nearly couldn’t carry you.”

“I need the restroom.” He Gu couldn’t stay a moment longer, being surrounded by Song Juhan and Feng Zheng’s constant tit for tat. He began to feel suffocated and out of breath.

He hurriedly put down his glass, rushed into the restroom, and subconsciously locked the door behind him.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror, his face pale and his forehead covered in cold sweat. Thinking back to a moment ago, he didn’t dare to recall the look in Song Juhan’s eyes. Luckily, there were so many people around. Otherwise, with Song Juhan’s temper, he might have flipped the table already.

But this meal would eventually end at some point. What was He Gu to do then?

He Gu had never felt this nervous before. Even after all these years of training his inner peace and calm temperament, he couldn’t control this rising fear from within.

Feng Zheng… Did Feng Zheng do this on purpose…

Chapter 24

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According to Xiao Song, this was a “blessing in disguise.” Indeed, during the days when He Gu was recuperating, he and Song Juhan had a very harmonious relationship. At times, it could even be described as sweet. With He Gu’s personality of always planning ahead, as well as the fact that being with Song Juhan has trained him to have an attitude of living happily with no thought for the future, in order to keep the peace, He Gu was willing to forget everything that happened in the past. 

Despite resting for a full week, He Gu still felt a little uncomfortable. However, there was too much to do at work, and things were starting to pile up. Since Song Juhan was also busy shooting his new MV, He Gu couldn’t sit still at home any longer. He started to go back to work. 

That afternoon, he received a call from Feng Zheng asking to meet up. In the last week or so, Feng Zheng had tried to meet him twice, but he had declined both times, using his accident as an excuse. But for the most part, he knew he was just consciously avoiding him. Since Feng Zheng came back from abroad, he and Song Juhan’s relationship had become increasingly strained and tense, even if it might not be exactly Feng Zheng’s fault. 

Feng Zheng mentioned that this time it was a welcoming party hosted by Peng Fang to celebrate a close friend’s return.1Hillary: I wonder who that could be… *cough* Yuan Yang *cough* Peng Fang had especially invited him. 

He Gu was told that it would be a small gathering, and since he was embarrassed to reject Feng Zheng’s invitation again, he reluctantly accepted.

After working overtime until the evening, he drove directly to the bar.

The location of the bar was quite a coincidence, it was actually diagonally opposite to “Black Gate,” the Qing Bar he and Gu Qingpei went to last time. 

Feng Zheng and Peng Fang, along with a small group of people, had just finished dinner, and they were standing in front of the bar waiting for everyone to arrive. 

“Hey, He Gu.” Peng Fang smiled and waved at him. “It’s Saturday, why are you still working overtime? You should have joined us for dinner instead.”

He Gu said, “Chief Peng, how are you? Work’s been super busy lately. I can’t help it.”

“He Gu.” Feng Zheng came over and patted his shoulder. “Why do I feel like everytime I see you, you look skinnier?”

“That can’t be. My weight hasn’t changed.” He Gu didn’t mention his accident to Feng Zheng. As a matter of fact, the accident had indeed affected He Gu’s appetite, and he had lost quite a few jin2jīn, is a unit of weight equivalent to approximately 0.5kg in the past week.

“Come, let me introduce you to a few friends. This is Wu Ziang, and that’s his girlfriend…” Peng Fang began to introduce everyone around him. The last one was a young man with a gloomy face. “… And this here, is my xiongdi3兄弟xiōng dì, can mean younger brother but also used between close friends, similar to ‘bros’, Yuan Yang. Tonight’s party is to welcome him back.”

He Gu looked at the young man in question. He had a tall build, similar to that of Song Juhan, but was clearly stronger and more muscular. With a short buzz cut, he looked both arrogant yet handsome. He carried himself with a particularly upright and capable temperament, giving off the vibe of a soldier.

“Hi,” said He Gu.

Yuan Yang nodded his head at him, but his eyes weren’t directed at him. He didn’t seem to be paying him any attention, his mind clearly elsewhere.

“Come on, stop looking so constipated.” Peng Fang hooked his arm around Yuan Yang’s neck, and pulled him towards the bar. “Come, come. Let’s go in.”

Feng Zheng led He Gu into the bar first. 

Behind them, they could hear Yuan Yang and Peng Fang discussing something. After a moment, Yuan Yang turned around and walked in the opposite direction. 

Once they got to their private room, Feng Zheng asked out of curiosity, “Where’s Yuan Yang?”

“I don’t know. He said he saw someone familiar, and went to have a look.” Peng Fang’s tone seemed a little mischievous. Giggling stupidly to himself, he continued, “But we might hear some gossip later on.”

“What kind of gossip?” The other’s also started to get curious.

“I already said I don’t know. Just ask him yourself when he gets back.”

Peng Fang ordered an entire table of alcohol and snacks, and before long, the party started. 

He Gu sat in the corner chatting with Feng Zheng, talking idly about topics of no significance. Feng Zheng did try to persuade He Gu to quit his job though, fearing that he was working too hard.

Not long after, Peng Fang came over and complained, “There’s plenty of alcohol around, and you both are just chatting away. It’s like you’re getting naked to discuss philosophy. Come, come, hurry, drink up.”

Feng Zheng laughed. “Peng Fang, what have you been up to lately?”

“Just working blindly to make a profit. How can I compare to Master Feng?”

“Stop teasing me. My new company hasn’t even stood firm yet.”

“Haha. Come, let’s drink. Cheers to your new company.”

The few of them began to drink back and forth. He Gu even took the initiative to toast a few glasses. Although He Gu had a good tolerance, he did not like to drink excessively, and he hated noisy environments. If it wasn’t for him trying to avoid meeting alone with Feng Zheng, he wouldn’t have come to such a party.

After a while, Yuan Yang came back. Strangely, the gloomy expression he had a while ago was no longer there. He even smiled a little smugly.

Peng Fang’s eyes lit up as he hurried over to his friend. The two lowered their heads to discuss something, laughing maliciously from time to time.

Feng Zheng also went over to toast the honored guest. Yuan Yang gladly accepted and drank very proudly, one glass after another. Seeing this, Feng Zheng didn’t dare stand around for long. After three cups, he swiftly ran away. 

He Gu said in a quiet voice, “That Yuan Yang, was he a soldier? He looks quite imposing, and he even drinks like the troops in the army.”

“Yes, he just returned from the army. He’s Peng Fang’s childhood friend. His dad is the chairman of Yuan Clan holdings. You must’ve heard of them before?”

“Yuan Clan?” He Gu looked quite surprised. “Yuan Lijiang?”

“Yup, you know him?”

“Of course not. But one of my superiors just jumped ship to Yuan Lijiang’s.” He didn’t think it would be such a coincidence. Yuan Yang was actually the son of the same Yuan Lijiang.

“Oh, Yuan Lijiang is very generous to his subordinates. He’s quite good at retaining people around him. My dad, on the other hand, is horrible at that. Although he is clear with rewards and punishments, he sometimes comes across too strong to win people over.”

“Yes, but I think Chief Feng’s style directly influences the upright attitude of the company. I think it’s great.”

Feng Zheng smiled and looked at He Gu. In the dim light, those deep and beautiful eyes looked particularly bright. “Actually, back then, you should have stayed at my dad’s company. Our relationship is a personal matter and shouldn’t impact your career. I’m not such a narrow-minded person.”

He Gu honestly answered, “I never thought you were a narrow-minded person. It’s just that back then… Forget it, it’s all in the past now.” He Gu topped up Feng Zheng’s glass and said, “Cheers.”

A look of complication flashed before Feng Zheng’s eyes. The two threw back their drinks and emptied their glasses in one gulp.

Suddenly, He Gu’s phone started to ring. Taking his phone out, he saw it was Song Juhan.

Feng Zheng squinted his eyes, and said emotionlessly, “It’s Superstar Song.”

“I’ll go take this call.” He Gu held his phone and left the private room. “Hello, Juhan.”

“He Gu, where are you?” Song Juhan’s voice sounded a little gloomy.

“I’m out with… some colleagues.” The background noise in the bar was too loud to hide, so he couldn’t outright lie.

“You aren’t with Feng Zheng, right?”

“No.” He Gu seemed to have chosen to lie without hesitation. After saying that one word, he silently sighed in his heart. Even if he was trying desperately to retain this tragic relationship, how much could he really change?

“Do you know where I am?” asked Song Juhan.

“… Where?” He Gu’s heart trembled in fear. This was the high street for nightlife and was well known as well as a popular destination. Could Song Juhan have seen him already?

“I’m at Dasheng studio’s restaurant. I ran into Ou Taining. He’s filming here as well.”

He Gu froze. “Oh. He… ”

Song Juhan gnashed his teeth together as he gritted out, “Explain this to me. What were you doing going alone to a gay bar with a gay like Gu Qingpei?”

He Gu felt the onslaught of a sudden headache. “That day, when we were in front of the office, do you still remember? He saw us together and guessed our relationship. I didn’t think he would also be a gay. He just quit his job and wanted to make a friend. There’s really nothing else.”

“You didn’t know before?”

“I really didn’t know.”

“Is he interested in you?” Song Juhan’s tone was quite aggressive. 

He Gu helplessly replied, “No.” A sudden random thought passed through his eyes, the face of Zhuang Jieyu. “I’m not his type. We have been working together for so many years. If he really was interested, he wouldn’t have waited until now.”

Song Juhan sarcastically said, “I realized you’re quite good at attracting others.”

He Gu felt a wave of indescribable fatigue, and said in a lowered voice, “Juhan, you’re thinking too much.” 

“It better be that I’m thinking too much.” Song Juhan’s voice was as cold as ice as he said, “You should know your place, and stay away from those messy gays.”

“… I know.”

In the next second, the disconnect tone can be heard from the phone.

He Gu stared dazedly at the name on the caller ID for a long time, his mind blank.

He was an adult, and nearly thirty, how could he still be holding his ears4拎着耳朵教训to be told off whilst holding your earlobes. It is common in Asian culture for younger children/generations to be told off by their elders whilst holding their ears. This is quite a demeaning punishment, and is often only used on punishing children, and not adults. He Gu uses this comparison to indicate that he is not just being told off, but told off like a child. and easily told off like a child, and even choosing to endure it. If loving someone means that one becomes petty and desperate. Then what is the point in loving at all?

No matter how long he spent deliberating this question, he still wasn’t able to come up with an answer.

Walking back to the private room, Feng Zheng could instantly tell that something was off about his mood. “What’s wrong? Did you guys fight?”

“No.” He Gu lightly swirled the contents of his glass and said, “Come, let’s drink.”

Feng Zheng stared at him for a moment, narrowing his eyes, then bumped their glasses together with a clink.

That day, it wasn’t clear whether it was because of the numerous people toasting one drink after another, or whether He Gu had intentionally wanted to get drunk. At the end of the night, he was so drunk that he had to be dragged out of the bar by Feng Zheng and his driver.

He Gu did not completely black out, but his mind was a bit hazy. His vision blurred, his steps shook, and his voice slurred. “Feng Zheng, help me call a… a replacement driver5代驾 – a ‘replacement driver’ is a driver that delivers inebriated people and their cars home together. This practice began in the hard-drinking capital of Seoul, Korea, but has recently become more popular in other metropolitan cities as well..” 

“What replacement driver, I’ll just get my driver to send you home.”

“But my… my car…”

“I’ll get someone else to send it home for you.”

“En…” He Gu nodded, then felt his head about to explode and his body start to slump forward uncontrollably.

After forcing a half unconscious He Gu into the car, Feng Zheng got in as well. Even though He Gu had a slim build, he was still a grown man of more than seventy kilos. On top of that, Feng Zheng, himself, had also been drinking, so his legs were a little weak. In the short distance from the bar to the car, Feng Zheng was left sweating and completely worn out. 

He Gu slumped against the car door, his eyelids heavy as he looked at Feng Zheng through the remaining slither in his vision. “I didn’t think… you were hiding such skills.”

Feng Zheng shook his head, trying to sober up. “What am I hiding?”

“Your tolerance is… way better than me.” He Gu rubbed his forehead against the car door, feeling quite dizzy still.

Feng Zheng looked at He Gu’s mysteriously intoxicated state. This person, who normally came across as such a proper and serious man, was right now revealing rather amorous and flirtatious expressions. Feng Zheng felt his heart flutter, then pulled He Gu towards himself. “If it gets bumpy, you’ll hurt yourself.”

The car coincidentally made a sharp turn. He Gu lost his balance and fell right into Feng Zheng’s arms.

Feng Zheng held his breath, looking down at He Gu as his gaze burned up.

He Gu immediately struggled to get up. Feng Zheng held onto his shoulders and helped straighten his body. Then he brushed away the messed up hair over his eyes and stared intently at his face. That once youthful and upright face had now accumulated a somewhat mature charm. Compared to back then, he looked even more attractive now. Feng Zheng felt a sudden and indescribable emotion rise in his chest, and softly said, “He Gu, before Song Juhan showed up, I always thought you were very smart.”

He Gu couldn’t understand his words. “I am… smart.”

Feng Zheng felt a surge of heat rising to his head. He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and gently touching He Gu’s cheek. His tone was full of an unwillingness to admit defeat. “He treats you like this, why do you still like him? Am I not good enough? What does he have that I don’t?”

He Gu frowned, feeling that something wasn’t quite right. He wanted to get away from Feng Zheng, but his body wouldn’t move at all. “Feng Zheng. You’re drunk… I’m drunk too.”

“I’m very sober. But you really are drunk. You’ve been drunk since six years ago, and you still haven’t sobered up yet.”

“Feng Zheng…”

Feng Zheng leaned forward, getting closer to He Gu. He knew some things were better left unsaid, but he just couldn’t help himself. “Do you still remember our kiss? I’ve always regretted it, regretted that I couldn’t kiss you properly just once. I also regretted leaving. If I had stayed, maybe you wouldn’t have become the way you are now. You wouldn’t have become so… cheap.”

“Feng…”

A fierce expression flashed across Feng Zheng’s face. He pinched He Gu’s chin and roughly shut him up with his lips.

In an instant, He Gu’s mind was left completely blank, to the point he forgot to resist.

Feng Zheng forcefully kissed and sucked at the lips that he had been thinking about for a long time. He Gu was kissed until he was out of breath. Although He Gu instinctively tried to reject the kiss and push the man away, Feng Zheng grabbed onto his hands and secured them behind his back. 

When Feng Zheng finally released him, He Gu’s brain had already been deprived of oxygen for a while and his entire body felt weak all over. He looked at Feng Zheng, gasping for air as he struggled to say, “Feng Zheng… do you have a death wish…”

Feng Zheng laughed as if he was drunk again. “Yes. I have a death wish, but don’t you also have a death wish? Do you even know why Song Juhan approached you in the first place… Hahaha. He Gu, you’re the one that’s really got a death wish.”

He Gu clenched his fists, wanting to punch Feng Zheng. But with another sudden turn of the car, his body unwillingly fell against the seat instead. He was very tired and sleepy, his eyelids so heavy they seemed to weigh more than thousand pounds of gold. He didn’t even want to move a finger, and he fell asleep almost instantly.

When He Gu woke up the next day, his head was splitting and the world was spinning. He had never regretted drinking so much before. After all, he had not fully recovered from his concussion yet, and now this hangover had completely knocked him off his feet.

He turned around and pried open his sore eyelids. Looking at the familiar chandelier above his head, he attempted to recall how he got home last night.

Did Feng Zheng send him back?

Feng Zheng…

In He Gu’s foggy memory, some strange images and dialogue began to appear in his mind. He remembered that he and Feng Zheng seemed to have… kissed!

Alarm bells went off in He Gu’s mind. Did he hallucinate when he was drunk, or did it actually happen?

Enduring his splitting headache, He Gu turned around to get out of bed. From a messy pile of smelly clothes he fished around and finally pulled out his phone. He was about to call Feng Zheng to confirm his weird suspicion, but as he was looking at the name on the screen, he began to hesitate.

If it actually happened, then it would be quite awkward. But if it was just his hallucination, then it would be even more awkward. He needed to find out the truth once and for all. Otherwise he would probably remain uneasy for a long time. Having made up his mind, he gritted his teeth in determination and clicked the dial button.

The phone rang for a long time before anyone picked up. When the call finally connected, Feng Zheng answered with a hoarse voice as if he was speaking through his nose. “Hello?”

“Feng Zheng, did you get drunk too?”

“Yeah. My head hurts, and my throat feels horrible, you?”

“Me too…” More doubts seemed to enter He Gu’s heart. “So, did you send me home last night?”

“My driver did. He also sent your car back, said it’s parked somewhere around your neighborhood.”

“Help me thank him for his troubles.”

“It’s fine. Why are you being all courteous?”

“So… Last night, I didn’t do anything stupid, did I?”

Feng Zheng laughed. “I don’t even remember if I did anything stupid myself, how would I remember what you did. Don’t worry, we’re basically tweedledum and tweedledee.”

After hearing that, He Gu wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. He obviously wouldn’t be able to find out anything from Feng Zheng. But, even if he did get drunk and started to hallucinate, he shouldn’t have dreamt of that kind of kiss with Feng Zheng. On the other hand, if it really did happen, with Feng Zheng refusing to admit it, he couldn’t be sure as well.

This only added to He Gu’s wariness towards Feng Zheng. 

Truthfully, it wasn’t like He Gu hadn’t considered looking for a steady partner, someone supportive and understanding, someone he could spend the rest of his life with. Maybe that way, he would finally be able to come out of Song Juhan’s shadow. But even then, that person couldn’t be Feng Zheng. He Gu knew that he would never be able to forget Song Juhan. He had already used up his entire lifetime’s worth of love and passion on that one person. And since he did care about Feng Zheng, that is exactly why he couldn’t bring his half-assed feelings into a relationship with him.  

Episode 18: Is This the End of Our Relationship?

Episode 17: His Mouth Is a Little Busy Right Now

Episode 16: You Are What I Want to Eat